From We to Me

March, 2018

I opened the drawer to our altar and there were our wedding vows.  The first thing I read was what my daughter had written… “Mom, I’m so glad you found what you have been looking for.”  I fell to my knees.

This was written not even 4 years ago and I thought, what the fuck was I looking for? And what the fuck had I modeled for my daughter?  And, the reason for opening this drawer in the first place was to empty its contents either into a box, the trashcan or recycling bin as my second marriage dissolved.  What had I been looking for? Why did I think he had what I needed? And who told me it was outside of myself anyway? I have been climbing my way out of a darkness that for years had eclipsed my light and life.  What had I been looking for and why was I searching outside of myself for all of these years and possibly even my entire life? For that’s where I thought It came from… the It with a capital I… that held the joy, love, happiness, connection.  So now I sit here as my long time heavy heart begins to lighten a bit and open to what I’ve known/it’s known/ we’ve known … the light must come from within… and the crazy thing is that I know this and I knew this so why, why the need for a second marriage. To yet again separate self from other, to fill the boxes with books and were they his or mine in the first place?  Who can remember and in a way, does it matter? But this time… this second time there is a turning towards the self that fills first with the Self and is aware of the need for others for many things, many wonderful and heartfelt reasons but not for “what I was looking for!” For what I was looking for is intact here and now and even back then and even back before then and before even then…

So now the light shines on what has always been but not fully realized or embodied…

The flame burns from the inside, cradled in self love and fueled with self inquiry coupled with compassion, tenderness and care, nourished through written and spoken words, yoga, practice, nature, beloved friends, breathing deeply, sleep, nourishing food, my cats and passion for my life.  For what is mine to do and bring and be. For now this and I, am enough. For now this remembering illuminates my path onward… to where and with whom are not questions to know now but faith is sitting next to this new found spark inside that beckons me on this journey into the center of what I’ve always been looking for. And, as I sit in my new room, I see and feel it all in the raindrops falling outside, the green of the trees out my window, this warm cup of tea, the women beside me sharing life together.  How could I ever have thought this wasn’t enough? How could I ever have thought I wasn’t enough? And, can I forgive myself for trying yet one more time for the “happily ever after?” And now the pages of my life, like this journal are blank and my happily ever after is here… right now. There is nothing to do and nowhere to go to find it, only to fully love all of it, even all that feels crazy, shameful, not good enough and unclear, enduring yet another loss, for they all bring their teachings and I am fully available to receive them as I now am on my knees at a different altar...